My first love...
Living in a place where we had no family was hard because we did not have that family support that my mom and I were used to having back home. When we moved here she knew we would have no one, but she also knew it was the best for us. Puerto Rico is our home and it always will be but we would have never survived there. Things were too complicated for a single, older mother.
Mami always looked for ways to find a playmate for me. She worked as a teacher at a daycare center and she made sure I was always around other children. She knew how important it was for my social and emotional development. She even became a foster mother! That was so exciting and so sad at the same time. That story in itself is another post...
So, cut to the early 80's when my titi Mara decided she was ready to come live in the states. It was so exciting to know I would now have family here! Titi had a daughter, Iso. Iso was the big sister I always wanted! She was my savior, my confidant, my secret keeper... I emulated her. I tried to walk like her, dress like her and even laugh like her. Yeah, I was a wanna be! I felt like I finally had a family member close to my age that would be part of my life. It was exciting to know that I had someone who would be around to hang out with, talk to, and just be a child with. The hardest part was when she had to leave to spend time with her dad. Those were the days, months... that I dreaded. She would be gone for so long... It sucked! The days she returned were the best though... she'd always come back with amazing stories, clothes, knick knacks and hugs just for me.
Isomara was my world until He was born. Titi Mara was expecting! How exciting! I had never been part of a pregnancy and I would definitely be part of hers. Fernando was born on July 27th, 1984. There were complications during delivery and she had to have an emergency c-section. It was a very scary moment for all of us... Once it passed, we could laugh at the occurrences of a young sister... My mom always told the story how Iso was so upset that her baby brother was a "cone head". HAHA! They left titi and the baby, got into the elevator and Iso was very quiet. My mom asked her what was wrong and she told my mother that she was devastated at the fact that Fernan's head was cone shaped. My mom had to calm her down and explain to her why his head looked like that and reassure her that the baby's head would return to normal in a few days.The first time I saw Fernan I could not stop starring. His dark hair, his pale white skin, his tiny hands, his big feet... He was perfect! The first time I held him I felt my heart beat faster, my pulse race, and my hands shake. He wouldn't open his eyes but I knew he knew who I was. I swear he even smiled when he wrapped his tiny little fingers around my index finger. That small but firm grip is forever imbedded in my hands. Sometimes, I can still feel it. When I hear him speak, when it's been too long since we've talked, or when I'm just watching him do his thing.
When Fernan slept, I watched. I made sure he was safe. If he made any noise, I was there to cheek on him. I swear I believed that I could protect him from anything. He was titi's son, Iso's brother, but he was my baby. I watched him grow... I was there when he took his first steps. I was there when grasping the end of a class table he flipped it over and got a huge bump on his forehead. I almost died that day! I was there when he said his first words, learned to throw kisses and give amazing hugs. I was his "Onguita","Hojita", and "Olita". He was my Fernan.
As time passed and Fernan grew, things became even more interesting. He always wanted to play with Legos and watch The Never-ending Story. He wanted to talk about how much he loved to learn and how he enjoyed playing with his friends. He made new friends in school and we learned all about them as Fernan was never a quiet one, but he always wanted to spend time with me. He was my "colita". He always had stories to tell and he would write the stories and draw the pictures to go with them for us. I still have a few of his drawings. Fernan always had something to say either in words or written form. He had the ability to remember the most intricate and eclectic details. He still does.
One of my favorite memories of us is from my wedding day. As I was saying my vows the emotions of the day took over and I started to cry. I couldn't speak... Fernan put his hand on my arm and looked at me with those mesmerizing dark eyes and all was well. He kept his hand there for the rest of the ceremony. I felt his firm, young boy grip on my arm, his tiny newborn grip on my index finger, and in my heart again. He made sure to tell me he loved me that day... Not with his words but with his actions and his eyes.And so I moved away... I came to live in western Massachusetts and Fernan and I separated. I still saw him now and then but it wasn't the same. I missed him... I tried to visit as much as I could. There were days where I'd visit him and we would talk for hours about school, movies, and sometimes... girls... Not often, but sometimes. He always wanted to make sure he filled me in on everything I missed; or at least that's what it seemed like to me. He wouldn't stop talking and rambling about everything from the book he just finished reading to the new movie he wanted to go see. There was one day where he even tried to show me how to descale and filet a fish. Yes, I know (well, I THNK I know...) how to filet a fish because my baby brother taught me!
High school came and went... College started... Then came a very difficult and heart wrenching moment. My baby, my first love, my Fernan decided to go into the ARMY. One of the proudest but scariest moments of my life. Knowing that he was going in to the service at one of the most dangerous moments scared the shit out of me. I never spoke, I never said, I never commented... I just prayed and hoped things would go well. I went to his graduation from boot camp in Oklahoma. I felt the need and the obligation to be there. He was leaving, and although I was always taught to believe and have faith, I didn't know when the next time I could see him, hear him or hug him would be. I was scared. Very, very, very scared. It was one the most surreal moments in my life. To be honest I don't remember much about it... Not sure if it was the pain or just the nerves but all I remember was his bear hug when we saw him, his I love you, which is always there, and his changed demeanor... He was more serious now... He smiled less... He spoke less... He was a soldier now. I don't remember saying goodbye but I do remember his face as we drove away...Again, don't ask me how long he was gone or how it went for him. I don't ask and he doesn't speak. It doesn't matter. I don't want to remember and so the place, time, and actions aren't important. I can tell you this, every letter, every message, and every phone call are forever etched and memorized in my heart and soul. I carry his letters in my bible, his messages in my head, and his phone calls in my heart. The day I knew he was coming home was the day I breathed normally again. I was excited, relieved, and finally, at peace. Although his return home was abrupt and he came back obviously changed, I was glad he was back. He was distant and I hardly saw him, but he was home. He didn't smile like he used to, but he was home. It was painful to look at him and not see the Fernan we all knew and loved.
War changes people... War is not pretty and I now a resented
it because it changed my baby. I was angry for a long time. I was angry at the different reasons and circumstances that made him go or at least the reasons I THOUGHT made him go. I was angry because we let him go. HAHA!!! Can you imagine.. We let him go... Like we could have stopped him? As human beings we tend to be overbearing and we think we can run the world. I've never asked him and he's never mentioned why he went. I want to think it was because he wanted to serve our country and be a hero. In my eyes, he did and he is. He did his duty and I thank God he lived to tell about it.
It's been a few years now... and my baby is turning 30! Watching him grow and flourish into the amazing man he has become has been a pleasure and a privilege. It has been a roller coaster ride full of ups and downs, stomach wrenching moments, and laughter galore but it has all been worth it. To see him smile again, laugh again and enjoy life again has been incredible. To see him light up when I walk into a room gives me butterflies in my stomach and makes my heart melt. To hear him say, "I love you, Bendición, and I missed you," makes me feel complete. Yes, he is more than six feet tall and can pick me up in his arms with one scoop if he needed to, but he is still my baby. That little boy who always wanted to play Legos, watch movies, and just feel loved. That little boy who, with one look my way could completely tear my walls and make me smile. It's funny, because he still can.Happy Birthday, Fernan! May you be blessed today, tomorrow and always. May all of your birthday wishes come true and may there be many, many more birthdays to celebrate... together. Te amo, hermanito, to infinity and beyond. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have YOU as my first love.
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