for·give·ness



for·give·ness
ˌfərˈɡivnəs/ noun: the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.

When I was little I was always getting into mischief. Whether it was eating candy without permission or setting a fire in the middle of downtown with my cousin trying to keep dirty magazines away from other kids. Yeah, that's a true story. Anyway, I'd get my mother all upset and then I'd have to do all that was in my power to make it up to her. I'd cry, beg, and promise never to do it again. Sometimes it worked, other times, well we just got over it. 
As a teenager I teetered between being too scared of doing something stupid, to getting caught shoplifting at the Campus Center at UMASS. That really sucked and it went on my school record! Don't do it kids, it's not worth it! Anyway... Again I had to cry, beg, write an apology essay, and plead to be forgiven. I was an extremely lucky girl because asking usually worked. Sometimes they would give me a very hard time about things, but people always forgave me. 
My mother taught me to forgive. She had a heart of gold and never held grudges. She had a very hard shell but her heart was open to anyone and anything. I guess I get that from her. We both had some tough shit happen to us during our lives and we dealt with situations together, side by side, but the one thing she always did was she always forgave and let things go. I will admit she was better at that then I was. I'd forgive but not forget. 
As an adult, I've made many mistakes. Some were minimal and others have caused pain and sorrow. I've hurt peoples feelings, I've dropped the ball, I've messed things up. Admitting that it's time to "man up" and ask for forgiveness at this point in my life is hard. 
I've been doing a lot of thinking. Life has a funny way of shaking you up and making sure you get your shit together. You go through life putting memories and people in the back of your mind. It's all part of your survival instincts. You go through a traumatic experience and you bury the memories that go with it, deep in your mind. It's not that you forget, it's just that you need to keep it hidden to be able to move forward. When you're blinded by what you think is right and the situation that you're in, sometimes, you don't think things through. You act on pure adrenaline and emotions. Then something happens and it all returns. It hits you like a ton of bricks and you realize you have some apologies to make. You realize that to be completely happy you need to revisit some memories... you need to reach out to more than a few people.. You need to reach out for forgiveness. Some will reply, some will ignore and others... well, it's too late for that. You reach out, you try, and you know that regardless of the response, you did the right thing. 
Asking for forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do. It makes you vulnerable. You open your heart to something expecting the best, and sometimes it comes. Sometimes things work out amazingly well and you can only praise God and say thank you. You can promise to never drop the ball again and if you do, you promise to admit it and take responsibility for it. Other times, it's too late. Those are the times that hurt the most. Those are the times when you have to suck it up and move on. Not everything in life goes as planned... 
Forgiveness goes both ways, I've asked for forgiveness and I've had to forgive. I've forgiven my father for walking away. I was never able to tell him in life, but I've prayed and I hope he knows that I have forgiven him. I've forgiven those who have stabbed me in the back who, even though they think I don't know, I do. I've forgiven people who are no longer on this earth but I know, they know that we are ok. 
It's been a long road. I will never say that it has been easy, but I can say that I am happy with where I am. I am content knowing that those who I've hurt know that I am genuinely sorry for what I've done. I am content with also knowing that those who have hurt me, know that I will be ok. I am blessed having all of those people still be a part of my life, as they have been an integral part of who I am today. 

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