No better day than today!
Its been way too long! One of my favorite things to do is write. Putting my thoughts into words has always been a stress reliever as well as therapy for me. When I was in high school and college I loved to write poetry! I don't think I was as good as I would have wanted to be but I enjoyed it and that's all that matters. Now a days I just enjoy spilling my thoughts on to my computer with a really good cup of coffee on one side and even better music playing in the background. Today is different, I do have my coffee but The Big Bang Theory is my background noise.
Where to begin... Sadness, joy, sorrow, nervousness, melancholy... I've been a mess but as always, I keep it together. I guess there's no better time than the present to let those feelings flow. The past few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I guess death stirs up shit for me and makes me go deep into my feels. March has been a shitty month for me for 6 years now, and this one has to be the worse one as well as the best one I've had in a very long time.
Mami left me March 17th, 2012. She was my rock and my guide and Ive been lost without her. Those who know me, know how hard it is for me to live without her. I struggle but I survive. Last year, on March 30th, I lost Cesar, my baby brother. If losing my mother was hard, I can't even put into words how much losing Cesar destroyed me. He was my baby brother... The youngest one... He was supposed to bury me. As I write this, my tears flow and I can't help but let the scar in my heart reopen and mourn him once again, as I do often. There are days I can handle things well and then there are days like Monday where you decide to dig into the past and find yourself faced with death once more and you loose your shit. Figuratively and emotionally!
College was a very difficult time for me. Not my Elms College days, but my straight out of high school UMASS days. I left Worcester to pursue a career in Hotel, Restaurant, and Travel Administration and was super excited about being able to start a new chapter of my life after high school. As my semester begins I meet a guy. A guy who swept me off my feet and awakened feelings and emotions in me that I had never ever felt before. He was a sweet talker and knew exactly what to say and when to say it. I fell and I fell hard. He was my world and I thought I was his. We did almost everything together and that was just fine with me. We spent the school year together and that summer we spent it here in Puerto Rico. I was in love. I thought he was the one. I'm not sure when things got fucked up, but they did. We would argue, yell, and he would push me away. I took it hard but through it all there were a few people who were a light for me during such darkness. (That story is and deserves a completely different blog.) Needless to say, we went our separate ways. It was a rough breakup and I was emotionally destroyed. I left UMASS in the middle of the semester because I just couldn't handle being there at the time.
I went back the next semester... I met Victor... That's my real love story and another blog. I would see Los on campus sometimes and my heart would skip a beat... after I got married and had my daughter, I saw him with his wife and his daughter once... that was surreal.
Fast forward to 2004-2005 when I was an interpreter at Baystate. I saw him twice in the halls but was too chicken shit to face him. He followed me once into an elevator but I wouldn't give him the time of day. Stupid me...
Fast forward to Monday night... I don't know about you but I love to Google people. I Googled his name... to my surprise his obituary popped up. Yeah... you read right, his obituary. Los passed away in 2006 after a long battle with a brain tumor. Holy shit! I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me and I cried. I cried for his pain and suffering, I cried for his family, I cried for his daughter, and I cried for myself. I went back to being 18 and in love. I went back to watching him play basketball on the courts of Southwest, I went back to our special moments and how he always made me feel like if I was the only girl in the world, I went back to the watching him curl up in a ball, holding his head in between his legs and crying himself to sleep on my lap because he was in so much pain. Little did I know what it was... Little did I know how things would end... Crazy to say, but I mourned him. Things between him and I didn't end on a good note, but I would never have wanted hin to suffer in any way. He was so young... so full of life...
I took it upon myself to reach out to his brother. I needed to pay my respects as well as give closure to that part of my life. I'm still in shock but I know this too shall pass. I pray for his soul and I can only hope he's at peace. RIP Carlos. Descansa en paz, sin dolor y sin sufrimiento. Nos veremos otra vez.
Why share this? If there is something I've learned in the past few years is that life is too short! Regardless of if I met you 2 hours ago or you've been in my life for most of it, I cherish and appreciate your presence in my life. If you've touched my life in some way, I want to make sure you know that regardless of if it was in a positive or negative way, I cherish what I've learned from you. Through the loss of people who meant something in my life, I've learned to appreciate just that; life! I want to make sure that the time I have left on this earth is not spent hating, or wondering, or regretting anything. I refuse to take life for granted anymore. I refuse to have any negative vibes in my life anymore. So.. there it is. My learning experience. I hope that after reading this, if you take one thing away from it, may it be to live life to the fullest and in the here and now. Don't wait to say what you feel. Don't leave for tomorrow what you can do today. Apologize if it warrants it, forgive if it warrants it, and tie up loose ends because you never know when it will be too late.
Mami left me March 17th, 2012. She was my rock and my guide and Ive been lost without her. Those who know me, know how hard it is for me to live without her. I struggle but I survive. Last year, on March 30th, I lost Cesar, my baby brother. If losing my mother was hard, I can't even put into words how much losing Cesar destroyed me. He was my baby brother... The youngest one... He was supposed to bury me. As I write this, my tears flow and I can't help but let the scar in my heart reopen and mourn him once again, as I do often. There are days I can handle things well and then there are days like Monday where you decide to dig into the past and find yourself faced with death once more and you loose your shit. Figuratively and emotionally!
College was a very difficult time for me. Not my Elms College days, but my straight out of high school UMASS days. I left Worcester to pursue a career in Hotel, Restaurant, and Travel Administration and was super excited about being able to start a new chapter of my life after high school. As my semester begins I meet a guy. A guy who swept me off my feet and awakened feelings and emotions in me that I had never ever felt before. He was a sweet talker and knew exactly what to say and when to say it. I fell and I fell hard. He was my world and I thought I was his. We did almost everything together and that was just fine with me. We spent the school year together and that summer we spent it here in Puerto Rico. I was in love. I thought he was the one. I'm not sure when things got fucked up, but they did. We would argue, yell, and he would push me away. I took it hard but through it all there were a few people who were a light for me during such darkness. (That story is and deserves a completely different blog.) Needless to say, we went our separate ways. It was a rough breakup and I was emotionally destroyed. I left UMASS in the middle of the semester because I just couldn't handle being there at the time.
I went back the next semester... I met Victor... That's my real love story and another blog. I would see Los on campus sometimes and my heart would skip a beat... after I got married and had my daughter, I saw him with his wife and his daughter once... that was surreal.
Fast forward to 2004-2005 when I was an interpreter at Baystate. I saw him twice in the halls but was too chicken shit to face him. He followed me once into an elevator but I wouldn't give him the time of day. Stupid me...
Fast forward to Monday night... I don't know about you but I love to Google people. I Googled his name... to my surprise his obituary popped up. Yeah... you read right, his obituary. Los passed away in 2006 after a long battle with a brain tumor. Holy shit! I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me and I cried. I cried for his pain and suffering, I cried for his family, I cried for his daughter, and I cried for myself. I went back to being 18 and in love. I went back to watching him play basketball on the courts of Southwest, I went back to our special moments and how he always made me feel like if I was the only girl in the world, I went back to the watching him curl up in a ball, holding his head in between his legs and crying himself to sleep on my lap because he was in so much pain. Little did I know what it was... Little did I know how things would end... Crazy to say, but I mourned him. Things between him and I didn't end on a good note, but I would never have wanted hin to suffer in any way. He was so young... so full of life...I took it upon myself to reach out to his brother. I needed to pay my respects as well as give closure to that part of my life. I'm still in shock but I know this too shall pass. I pray for his soul and I can only hope he's at peace. RIP Carlos. Descansa en paz, sin dolor y sin sufrimiento. Nos veremos otra vez.
Why share this? If there is something I've learned in the past few years is that life is too short! Regardless of if I met you 2 hours ago or you've been in my life for most of it, I cherish and appreciate your presence in my life. If you've touched my life in some way, I want to make sure you know that regardless of if it was in a positive or negative way, I cherish what I've learned from you. Through the loss of people who meant something in my life, I've learned to appreciate just that; life! I want to make sure that the time I have left on this earth is not spent hating, or wondering, or regretting anything. I refuse to take life for granted anymore. I refuse to have any negative vibes in my life anymore. So.. there it is. My learning experience. I hope that after reading this, if you take one thing away from it, may it be to live life to the fullest and in the here and now. Don't wait to say what you feel. Don't leave for tomorrow what you can do today. Apologize if it warrants it, forgive if it warrants it, and tie up loose ends because you never know when it will be too late.
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