My love/hate Relationship with NYC!

Yes, you read right. I love and hate NYC. Yes, hate is a very strong word but it’s the only one that I can use without offending the reasons why I love it. You see I grew up an only child. I had many cousins, friends, and special people I consider siblings but no blood related siblings…. Until 6 years ago!

The one letter I cherish from my father has the name of the four reasons why I love New York. One of the main reasons why I acknowledge my father is because he gave me my four brothers. I am thankful that in his last intent to show some type of emotion he admitted to me I had four younger brothers and he gave me their names. I was in shock but so excited. I held on to that information until I felt ready to deal with what the aftermath would be of me trying to find them and what that might entail. Plus, you always wonder are they nice? Will they accept me? Will they even acknowledge me? Are they like my dad? Do they even know I exist?

Remember MySpace...? That’s where my feelings for New York City began. I did a search for their names. Alex, Anthony, and Alfred are pretty common names, right? I searched those and came up with about 30 people who “might” be my brothers. Then I typed in my youngest brothers name… Ancizar. Yeah, no not a type-o, not a mistake; that’s his name (although he goes by Cesar and better yet, Red)!  Only one profile popped up! As my hands started to shake and yes, I started to cry, I scrolled through his feed and his pictures. I tried to find a resemblance and looked for any sign that would say he was my brother. I scrolled through his friends and found an Alfred! That was the scariest thing ever!!! I started to write a message to him and deleted it like 50 times!  I did the same for Alfred. I didn’t know what to do with myself. After many failed attempted to hit I finally got the courage to write a message I could send to both. I introduced myself, told them my story and ended with, “love, your sister”….  Then I waited…

It felt like forever but I got a response from both of them. I did not know what to do with myself. I didn’t want to get my hopes up but I wanted to get to know them. I didn’t want to get hurt but I yearned for siblings. I am so thankful my persistence paid off.

Squiggy (Alfred) wrote first. He explained he needed to talk to his mom. I completely understood and I patientely waited. Red wrote then and said the same. Mom collaborated the story and told them she knew of my existence but had no other information. She wasn’t sure about where I was as my father never spoke of me. From there we began to write back and forth for a while. We talked about a lot of things. We discussed life, family, and work among other things. Alex and Anthony came later as they were not much into social networking…

As our relationship starts to build my daughters “quinceañero” came around. I asked them to come. I thought it would be an amazing time to meet and have them meet the rest of the family. We planned but it wasn’t a sure thing. I also had a hard time really believing that they would come as they were my fathers sons. As the day got closer the more excited I got. It was a huge day for Mari but it would also be amazing for me too.

There are no words... LOVE this pic. 

The day of the party I was a nervous wreck. I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. So much going on, so much stress. I can close my eyes and remember the exact moment when they arrived. I remember I was standing by the door and I saw Estefania (my stepmom) walk in with the boys behind her. I wasn’t quite sure if it was them, but I was positive it was them, if that makes any sense. My stomach turned, my heart started to flutter and my tears rolled. I couldn’t believe it. Shock, sadness, happiness, frustration, anger, hurt, elation, and utter chaos were all of the emotions that flowed through me. I felt like a little girl all over again. I wanted to hug them and not let them go. I wanted to tell them how sorry I was that we got stuck with such a shitty father. I wanted to rewind time and be there for them. I wanted to watch them learn to walk, to talk, and to go to school for the first time. I wanted to teach them how to ride a bike, how to make popcorn, and how to sneak into movie theatres with their friends. I wanted to be there when they met girls so I could scare the bitches off (Uhmm… yeah… I think I still might try this one…). I wanted to be the big sister to my little brothers. I was a total wreck.

28 years later... our first ever sibling picture...

We danced, we drank, we talked and we laughed that night. We took our first pictures together that night as well. I felt like I was in a dream. I was such a wreck that I lost my keys and had Alfred looking for them on his hands and knees all over the hall. The emotions and excitement of the night had me on a natural high. Some thought I Was drunk and I was… I was drunk on life!

They came to the house and we hung out for a bit and they reassured me that this was forever.

One of my favorite pictures of us...

Days passed and my family and I took our first trip to the city to meet up with my brothers that Christmas. Squiggy and Red hung out for the day. It was an amazing night hanging out with "my brothers" in NYC. We were silly, funny and sometimes inappropriate, but it felt amazing! We were kids in a toy store, literally, and we made the best of it. Alex and Fattz we met later that year on a summer trip to the city. My brothers work long hard hours and that was the soonest we could coincide with time off.

Christmas 2011

Food, please!!!! 

Fast forward to today. Red, Fattz, and Alex live in Queens with my stepmom. Squiggy lives in Buffalo but he travels to the city as often as possible and I try do the same when I know he's headed down. 

I also try to visit as much as I can and I look forward to my trips to the city to spend time with all of them. The 2 and ½ hour drive is not bad, it’s the traffic, the people, the crowdedness, the craziness of the city that I don’t like but I would do it on a daily basis if it meant being able to be closer to them.
I am also a bit jealous of the city as it watched my brothers grow up. It did what I couldn’t do for them. The city was there for them when they needed me. She watched them grow up, she wiped their tears, made them laugh and kept their secrets. That was supposed to be my job. The city was there when Alfred played his first football game, when Cesar was in trouble, when Alex had his first heartbreak and when Fattz found out he was going to be a dad. I was supposed to be there. I do have to admit though, that every time I go to the city and make new memories with my brothers I resent her less and less.

Christmas 2012

This past year has been a difficult one for my brothers, each one has gone through their fair share of shit, and I can finally say I was there. Not that it’s a good thing we had to go through these things, but it was OK because I was there. I was there to hold their hand, listen to their words, and just be a shoulder for them to lean on.

I tell my brothers all the time that I am here to stay. I am here forever. I will move heaven and Earth for them. As a matter of fact, I will love a city that I have loathed for most of my life if it means being closer to them. 

Christmas 2014 and going strong!